Alien Ant Farm

WHAT YOU KNOW THEM FOR: Being white and nerdy.





BUT WHAT ABOUT THE REST OF THE ALBUM?

My band once played a show with this band, let’s call them Foolstar because that was their name. I’m not sure what I did to piss them off initially (I was quite good at that back then), and me and the singer got into a pissing contest. I delivered the death blow when they went into their cover of Nirvana’s “Aneurysm.” I yelled, “That’s the best song you’ve written!”

The point of that story is that I like telling stories about myself.

It must sting when not only are you a one-hit wonder, but that sole hit is a cover. You’re not good enough to write even one song people like. You were just good enough to learn how to play a song people like. Enter Alien Ant Farm. They managed to take the one-hit cover to a new level. They appeared on an episode of MTV Cribs, and they simply recreated an Alice In Chains skit from Headbanger’s Ball.

Yes, even their non-musical performances are covers.

There were two types of rock bands that emerged in the early 2000s: those with a DJ, and those without. Alien Ant Farm falls into the latter camp. Other than their extremely dorky look (seriously, these guys make Rivers Cuomo look like Tupac), they do nothing to separate themselves from their peers. They sound like Papa Roach (or do Papa Roach sound like them?) on their faster tracks and sound like Incubus on their slower tracks. Some faux hardcore on “Wish.”

There’s nothing inherently bad about this album. They’re good enough at what they do that I’m semi-curious to check out their later stuff to see if they’ve grown any. But I probably won’t.


FINAL VERDICT: At least they don’t touch little boys

TONI BASIL

WHAT YOU KNOW HER FOR: Cheerleaders and anal sex.





BUT WHAT ABOUT THE REST OF THE ALBUM?

What about it? I couldn’t find a complete version of Word Of Mouth online, and while I could probably piece it together from Youtube clips, honestly, it’s not worth the effort for this stupid blog. So instead, I’m going with this compilation since it includes most of the songs from that album anyway.

I appreciate that this is called a “best of” compilation rather than a “greatest hits” compilation. I always find it pretentious when one hit wonders pretend there was more to their success than just that one song.

Did you know Toni Basil had a small part in Easy Rider? She also did choreography for Talking Heads and David Bowie. I’m guessing she doesn’t cry too much over the fact that her music career never took off past “Mickey.”

It’s a shame, though. Her new wave synthpop can stand alongside the best the 80s had to offer. Okay, maybe not the very best. Maybe the 2nd or 3rd tier. At the very least, “Spacewalkin’ The Dog” should’ve been sampled by Snoop Doggy Dogg and “Shopping A to Z” should’ve been reworked for Sesame Street.

Perusing the track list, I first thought “Go For The Burn” was titled “Go For The Bum.” That would’ve been a lot better.

I dig Toni Basil, I really do. Her music is fun, bouncy, catchy, but 18 tracks of it gets a little hard to sit through. Listening to either of her albums is probably a perfect listening session, but both together (which this compilation essentially is) is overkill. Or maybe I’m just too old and hate sitting through long albums.

Did you know there’s a Spanish version of “Mickey”?


FINAL VERDICT: Toni Basil claims “Mickey” isn’t about anal sex. But ponder this. If it wasn’t, why would I lie and say it was? For comedic effect?

Rockwell

WHAT YOU KNOW HIM FOR: Nepotism and paranoia




BUT WHAT ABOUT THE REST OF THE ALBUM?

Sometimes a movie uses a well-known covered by someone younger, hipper, or more relevant. Eddie Murphy’s 2003 comedic romp The Haunted Mansion used “Somebody’s Watching Me” as covered by… Morris Day? Without The Time, no less?

Rockwell was (or is, I guess, since he’s still alive) the son of Motown’s Berry Gordy. I’m sure that in no way helped him get a record deal or convince Michael Jackson to be a guest vocalist.

Listening to this album, I’m kind of surprised Rockwell didn’t manage another hit. This is some seriously good synthpop. But other than Michael Jackson’s cameo, the album lacks a truly strong vocal hook. And he falls kind of flat on his cover of “Taxman.” Then again, George Harrison fell kind of flat on the original “Taxman.” Why do people like that song?

I could do without the awful ballad, “Knife,” but this was the 80s, and I think Reagan had passed into law a requirement that every album include an awful ballad.

FINAL VERDICT:

I think it’s time for a Rockwell revival. Someone (other than Morris Day) needs to cover his music for today’s kids. “Foreign Country” needs to be adopted by politicians to tout their foreign policies (“No Culture Club or Adam Ant” succinctly describes what’s wrong with North Korea). Write to your local congressman and ask, nay, demand, a Rockwell Appreciation Day.

Gerardo

WHAT YOU KNOW HIM FOR:



Rico motherfucking Suave! The man who eats women like sushi.


BUT WHAT ABOUT THE REST OF THE ALBUM?

From the onset, Mo’ Ritmo makes me wonder if I accidentally put on MC Skat Kat’s solo album by mistake. Paula Abdul beats with weak rapping? Could’ve fooled me. Actually, he did fool me. I hate you, Gerardo. Your name’s one letter away from being Geraldo. So strike two against you. And we’re only 30 seconds in. We’re starting off with some serious beef.

I always pictured Gerardo as the type of guy that wanted to make you dance. But the beats are so flat and static. And I forgot how clumsy his rapping was on “Rico Suave” (seriously, rhyming species with sushi?). He doesn’t redeem his skills anywhere on this album. “Hot and spicy like a tango / Come shake your mango” is probably the height of his word prowess. His version of “We Want The Funk” only highlights how unfunky he is.

Look, I’m sure all the gyrating and by-the-numbers pickup lines were a hit at the H&M he used to hang out in front of (and probably works at now). And Gerardo has probably had sex with countless white girls who wanted to piss off their parents but were too racist themselves to date a black guy. Actually, I have no positive counterpoints to offer.

I really hate Gerardo. Look, each song is bland and inoffensive on their own. But play more than two in a row, it’s the kind of torture that creates murderous rage in otherwise peaceful men. Mo’ Ritmo? More like Mo’ Gitmo. There’s an idea. Let’s use this to torture members of ISIS and gain valuable information. Come on, Gerardo. This is your chance to atone for your sins.


FINAL VERDICT

If Gerardo actually had talent, he’d probably be able to afford a shirt.

Los Del Rio

WHAT YOU KNOW THEM FOR:



That goddamn inescapable dance craze that still gets played at weddings and you can’t help yourself because it’s so ingrained into your muscle memory. Also the creepy way the two old guys ogle the girls in the music video, while imploring Macarena to (direct translation): “Give your body happiness, because your body is for giving happiness and good things.”


BUT WHAT ABOUT THE REST OF THE ALBUM?

Honestly, I wasn’t even sure which album to go for. “Macarena” appears on every single album these guys have put out, often 2 or 3 times. These guys clearly knew they were destined for one hit wonder status, and they probably didn’t want anyone picking up the wrong Los Del Rio album by mistake. That’s commendable, I think.


Fiesta Macarena is the earliest Los Del Rio album available on Spotify and contains four different versions of “Macarena,” so I guess I’ll torture myself with it.

Takes some hubris on their part not to start the album off with “Macarena.” They really expect me to sit through two songs before the only song I theoretically would care about? Well, I guess their remedy is to have the first track actually sample “Macarena.” Interestingly, the album literally alternates between flavorless club music and flavorless calypso folk. Seriously. Track 1 – club remix. Track 2 – calypso. Track 3 – club remix. Track 4 – calypso. And so on.

Halfway through the album, and I’m numb. Music, words, life itself, everything has lost meaning. I start thinking about how Los Del Rio should do the theme song for Alberto Del Rio. But it’s not funny enough of a thought to keep my sanity. When this is finally over, I begin to believe in God again.

So for those keeping score, out of 14 songs here, 4 are “Macarena,” 2 sample “Macarena,” and 3 desperately attempt to be “Macarena.” What a way to beat a dead horse. If you love “Macarena” that much, I’m sure there’s a compilation or fifty out there that includes it.

VERDICT:
Los Del Rio aren’t even worthy of the one hit they did get.

Welcome to the blog!

Ah, the one hit wonder. Those glorious songs that infect us, usually to the point of oversaturation. Then the artist gets scrubbed from our collective consciousness. But those songs tend to come with an entire album that no one listens to. Well, no more. I shall listen to those albums and see if these artists truly deserve the indifference we shower them with. Wish me luck.