Gerardo

WHAT YOU KNOW HIM FOR:



Rico motherfucking Suave! The man who eats women like sushi.


BUT WHAT ABOUT THE REST OF THE ALBUM?

From the onset, Mo’ Ritmo makes me wonder if I accidentally put on MC Skat Kat’s solo album by mistake. Paula Abdul beats with weak rapping? Could’ve fooled me. Actually, he did fool me. I hate you, Gerardo. Your name’s one letter away from being Geraldo. So strike two against you. And we’re only 30 seconds in. We’re starting off with some serious beef.

I always pictured Gerardo as the type of guy that wanted to make you dance. But the beats are so flat and static. And I forgot how clumsy his rapping was on “Rico Suave” (seriously, rhyming species with sushi?). He doesn’t redeem his skills anywhere on this album. “Hot and spicy like a tango / Come shake your mango” is probably the height of his word prowess. His version of “We Want The Funk” only highlights how unfunky he is.

Look, I’m sure all the gyrating and by-the-numbers pickup lines were a hit at the H&M he used to hang out in front of (and probably works at now). And Gerardo has probably had sex with countless white girls who wanted to piss off their parents but were too racist themselves to date a black guy. Actually, I have no positive counterpoints to offer.

I really hate Gerardo. Look, each song is bland and inoffensive on their own. But play more than two in a row, it’s the kind of torture that creates murderous rage in otherwise peaceful men. Mo’ Ritmo? More like Mo’ Gitmo. There’s an idea. Let’s use this to torture members of ISIS and gain valuable information. Come on, Gerardo. This is your chance to atone for your sins.


FINAL VERDICT

If Gerardo actually had talent, he’d probably be able to afford a shirt.