Dexys Midnight Riders

WHAT YOU KNOW THEM FOR: Ejaculating on Eileen.



What? I thought “toora loora toora too rye ay” was the 80s version of “skeet skeet skeet skeet skeet.”


BUT WHAT ABOUT THE REST OF THE ALBUM?

You generally can tell that a one hit wonder’s one hit truly came out of left field when the song is found on side two of the album. In the case of Dexys Midnight Runners (it really bugs me that there’s no apostrophe in their name), “Come On Eileen” closes Too-Rye-Ay, almost as an afterthought. Although the title of the album is taken from the chorus. Maybe they came up with the title, thought it sounded really cool and quickly wrote a song to justify its use.

The album quickly hooks me in with its odd mix of Celtic folk instrumentation, soul vocals and ska horns. If I close my eyes during “Let’s Make This Precious,” I can imagine that it’s really Madness. Mostly because I’m not that familiar with Madness outside of a couple of songs. But it’s got a clap-a-pella (just handclaps and vocals, I don’t know if there really is a technical term for that) bridge, and I really enjoy those.

They cover Van Morrison’s “Jackie Wilson Said.” It’s fun and boisterous and ridiculously catchy. I’ve never heard the original. Hold on, I’m going to take a break from this album and listen to Van Morrison so I can properly compare the two.

Okay, the Runners hew closely to the original arrangement with no variations, but hey, I won’t complain. It’s an awesome song. Too bad it’s followed up by the insipid ballad “Old.” I don’t know why, but I feel like singer Kevin Rowland sounds like Hot Hot Heat trying to do soul remakes of Cure songs. Is this a good or bad thing? Is it even an accurate thing?

“Plan B” is a slightly less insipid ballad. Come on, Dexys (maybe it’s plural, as in more than one Dexy, but in that case, shouldn’t it be Dexies?). You started so strong.

Okay, I spoke too soon (a problem caused by writing these blogs stream-of-consciously as I listen to the album without taking time for proper reflection). The song’s balls drop, it starts rocking, and I’m hooked again. Did you know Dexy is a form of speed? The music’s addictive nature makes the name a good choice.

FINAL VERDICT: The band doesn’t stray too far from the sound of “Come On Eileen,” so if you like that song, you’ll like the rest of the album. And we already know you love “Come On Eileen.” So why aren’t you loving Too-Rye-Ay already?

Joe Public

WHAT YOU KNOW THEM FOR: Being Kriss Kross’ backup band.



Also, lessons in positive encouragement.




BUT WHAT ABOUT THE REST OF THE ALBUM?

One of the guys in Joe Public went to my high school. Not at the same time as me. But one of my teachers told me that. He wasn’t sure which guy, but he was pretty sure the guy’s name wasn’t Joe. This tale may have been apocryphal, but it is not my job to question my teacher’s memories. My job is to question whether or not Joe Public should be on your CD shelf. If anyone other than me still has one, that is. Another reason I hate the digital revolution. Scrolling through someone’s mp3 playlist in order to silently judge them isn’t as fun.

I’m not sure why new jack swing is all but dead as a music genre these days. Maybe Bobby Brown’s crack smoking destroyed America more than we ever realized. Or maybe people don’t need music to get laid anymore. Seriously, where are the sexy songs? The kind that get people in the mood. Sure, listening to Adele may lead to sex, but your woman will be crying the whole time. Or man. Or you. Hey, I’m not judgmental, I’m just relaying scientific facts. Someone will be crying if you try to bone while listening to Adele.

I couldn’t find a proper copy of Joe Public’s self-titled debut online, but Spotify has a compilation that collects material from both of their albums. Good enough to groove.

Opening with “Live and Learn,” this quickly lays down what new jack swing is all about. Sultry R&B grooves with hip hop beats, alternating between sly crooning and positive rapping. Track 2 is listed as “Do You Everynite,” but in the chorus, they keep singing “I’ve Been Watching,” which is the title of track 4. Track 3 is listed as “Easy Come, Easy Go,” but in the chorus, they keep singing “I Miss You,” which is the title of track 6. In the chorus of track 4, they sing “I’ve Got A Thang For You,” which is the title of a song not on this compilation. Okay, off to Wikipedia I go.

Apparently, this actually is Joe Public’s self-titled album. Spotify just mislabeled it with the tracklisting from a compilation that sort of exists. It’s kind of like those bootleg cassettes you buy from the Korean grocery store where the song listing is out of order and the artwork is backwards. Wait, did I accidentally download the Korean version of Spotify?

“This One’s For You” gives shout-outs to Jasmine Guy, MC Lyte, the Fly Girls, and Downtown Julie Brown, among others. It doesn’t get more 90s than that. And the Joe Public guys are classy enough to apologize to anyone they forgot to mention. Drake wouldn’t have the class to do that, and you’d think he learned something about class from his time on Degrassi.

Sure, nothing here rivals Bobby Brown’s oeuvre, but really can anyone rival his brand of perfection? Still, there’s grooves here to last for hours, well, technically 45 minutes, but that’s what the repeat button is for, dammit! “Do You Everynite” is basically Color Me Badd’s “I Wanna Sex You Up.” If Color Me Badd were good, that is. Oh, snap. I went there, Team CMB fangirls.


FINAL VERDICT: Former Erie County Executive Dennis Gorski pronounced April 13, 1996 to be Goo Goo Dolls Day. Yet we never received a Joe Public Day. Asshole. That’s why I never voted for you. Well, that and the fact that you stopped running for office by the time I was legal voting age.

After The Fire

WHAT YOU KNOW THEM FOR: Not being as cool as Falco.



Though, in fairness, no one is as cool as Falco.




BUT WHAT ABOUT THE REST OF THE ALBUM?

It was suggested to me that I do Falco for this blog. But I couldn’t in good conscience do so, because in addition to “Rock Me Amadeus,” he gave us “Der Kommissar.” But then I remembered that “Der Kommissar” had been covered by After The Fire. I really only knew this even existed because as a teen, there was a commercial for a best of the 80s Time Life collection. You remember those commercials? They had a scrolling list of songs included, with the current one playing highlighted in yellow. After The Earth was one of the highlighted ones, putting them in good company with Men At Work and Toto.

It’s a shame that the 21st century killed off CDs. I was really hoping for a best of the 90s Time Life collection, featuring hits by Candlebox and Positive K. Now, here’s Everclear singer Art Alexakis to tell us more about how you can order.

ATF’s version of “Der Kommissar” actually charted higher than Falco’s. Interestingly enough, ATF was a one-hit wonder in the UK but with a different song. Do they count as a one-hit wonder then? For the purpose of this blog, they do.

*NOTE: This is a compilation, as “Der Kommissar” never appeared on any of their proper albums, and I feel that reviewing just the single kind of defeats the purpose of this blog.

Holy 1980s, Batman! Right from the beginning, my senses are being assaulted by new wave synthpop blandness. I could probably forgive the laser effects and robot voice in “Laser Love” if the song had a strong melody or strong riff or strong laser effects or strong robot voice. If some Congressman had attempted to pass a bill outlawing synthesizers, “One Rule For You” and “Sometimes” provide plenty of compelling evidence to support the bill.

Interesting Wikipedia fact: ATF was supposed to perform on Top of the Pops, but the show’s producers didn’t want more than one synth-heavy act that week, so they went with Gary Numan instead. Good call.

Their cover of “Der Kommisar” benefits from being preceded by nine tracks of crap. Also, by being written by someone more talented. If I can say anything positive about this album, it’s that the music is more forgettable than painful. It’ll be scrubbed from my memory by the time I post this blog.


FINAL VERDICT: Falco is still the man.

Chumbawamba

WHAT YOU KNOW THEM FOR: Frat boy empowerment!




BUT WHAT ABOUT THE REST OF THE ALBUM?

“Tubthumping” begins with a monologue from Pete Postlethwaite’s character in the movie Brassed Off. The only two things I remember about the film are this speech and the fact that Tara Fitzgerald did not show her boobs. And the only reason I watched the movie in the first place was in the hopes that Tara Fitzgerald would show her boobs. I’m not sure why I thought it would be a possibility in the first place, but at least she showed them in Sirens, so it’s all good.

“Tubthumping” is a perfect frat boy anthem with lyrics about drinking and an easy sing-a-long chorus. They’ve probably never paid any attention to the rest of the album, hell, they probably only have it on a Jock Jams CD anyway. Yet, Chumbawamba is actually an anarcho-punk band, whose first album was titled Pictures Of Starving Children Sell Records. That fact has always made me want to check out something other than that insufferable hit, and this blog has given me an excuse to do so.

“Amnesia” has a fun riff with an okay melody. It’s not a terrible song, but I’ll probably forget it. Pun not intended. The opening drum shuffle of “Drip, Drip, Drip” made me think we were in for a cover of blink 182’s “I Miss You,” but what follows is even more insipid. Though, if Architecture In Helsinki did it, I’d probably think it was awesome. Am I hating Chumbawamba for the sake of hating Chumbawamba?

Actually, remove the pure bile that is “Tubthumping,” and you’ve got the best Architecture In Helsinki album that was recorded before Architecture In Helsinki existed. I never thought I’d be comparing Chumbawamba to one of my favorite bands in a positive light.

“The Good Ship Lifestyle” rocks and should’ve been their hit single. Damn you, Chumbawamba. I can no longer use you as a punchline for bad music. I can still use you as a punchline for bad names, though.


FINAL VERDICT: With their anarchistic leanings, Chumbawamba have publicly stated that they want you to shoplift their album. So objectively speaking, if you bought this album, you’re an idiot. But if you happen to find a record store that still stocks it, feel free to steal it. Just kidding. You won’t find any record stores out there. Download Tubthumper. Illegally. The band wants you to.

Right Said Fred

WHAT YOU KNOW THEM FOR: Dangerous levels of sexiness.





BUT WHAT ABOUT THE REST OF THE ALBUM?

Did you know that Right Said Fred aren’t actually one hit wonders? They’ve had several songs hit the charts, particularly in the UK. And Germany. They love more than just David Hasselhoff over there. Syrian president Bashar al-Assad is also a huge fan. So if you had any sort of integrity, you’d stop referring to RSF as a one hit wonder.

Luckily, I have no integrity, so let’s hit the catwalk.

The first two tracks don’t have the novelty feel of “I’m Too Sexy” and frontman Richard Fairbrass actually croons over some chillax dance beats. Does anyone say “chillax” anymore? Fuck it, I do. Then we get the slice of heaven that is “I’m Too Sexy,” which starts to feel like an anomaly when it’s followed by more crooning and sultry female backup singers.

“Is It True About Love” sounds like the type of song ravers would have sex to. I’m guessing. I’ve never had sex with a raver. When “Deeply Dippy” started, at first, I thought we were in for a cover of The Proclaimers’ “500 Miles.” It isn’t, but now I wish some dance act would cover that song. This song is hella fun, though. Does anyone say “hella” anymore? Fuck it, I do. The fact that “Deeply Dippy” wasn’t a US hit has made me lose faith in the American people.

Ditto “Don’t Talk Just Kiss,” which even the Dutch had the good sense to make a Top 10 hit. The album even ends on a catchy “la la la” singalong. I thought I was going to have to renounce my American citizenship and move out of the country once Herr Trump was elected dictator. But I might just have to do that now instead, upon seeing the unfair treatment we have given Right Said Fred.


FINAL VERDICT: I have to go pack my bags. Call me when the overdue RSF revival happens.

Edwyn Collins

WHAT HE’S KNOWN FOR: Pronouncing “protest” weirdly.





BUT WHAT ABOUT THE REST OF THE ALBUM?

In an interview for one of those VH1 specials about one-hit wonders, Edwyn Collins said something of the effect of “You wouldn’t go up to Lou Reed and ask him how it feels to be a one-hit wonder.” And I thought, “Man, what a pretentious ass to be comparing himself to Lou Reed.”

But it kind of makes sense. He was in a critically acclaimed but commercially overlooked band (Orange Juice) before scoring a sole solo hit out of left field. But the more I think about it, the more I return to my original opinion that he’s a pretentious ass.

Even if you’ve never heard a Velvet Underground song, you still know who the fuck they are. The only reason I know anything about Orange Juice is because their song “Rip It Up” inspired the title for Rip It Up And Start Again, an essential tome on the history of postpunk.

Did I use tome correctly?

According to Wikipedia, “Rip It Up” actually was a Top 40 hit in the UK. So I guess Collins is a bit of a double one-hit wonder.

The first track is titled “The Campaign For Real Rock,” which, ironically, doesn’t rock. Much like Billy Joel’s “Still Rock And Roll To Me.” That said, it’s not a bad song. It’s kind of like if Urge Overkill decided to actually be Neil Diamond rather than just cover him.

One of the biggest pains in writing this blog is that with these one-hit wonders, most of their songs sound just like their hit. But Edwyn Collins stretches out in a playfully diverse style. Neil Diamond is a lot more playfully diverse than you give him credit for. Yeah, I’ve decided Edwyn Collins is just Neil Diamond re-incarnated. Even though Ol’ Neil isn’t dead yet.

“If You Could Love Me” gives me some Tom Jones-style chills. Okay, maybe Collins was actually created in a lab, spliced from the DNA of Diamond and Jones. What I’m saying is this guy is probably getting laid a lot. Hell, my panties have already dropped and I wasn’t wearing any.

He definitely wins lyric of the year (for 1994, anyhow) with this gem from “North Of Heaven”: “Some mother’s talking about Guns N’ Roses / As if I give a fuck / At best, I think they suck.” Give the man an award. Can we go back in time and retroactively make this song a hit?

I’m not sure if Collins is ironic or sincere, but either way, he’d make a fine Vegas lounge act. And I’m not being ironic when I say I mean it as a compliment. Bring down your lady friend, have some drinks and do the Shasta McNasty when you get back to the hotel.

If Edwyn Collins ever reads this review, he’ll probably hate me. Granted, he’s got more of a David Bowie influence, and “Moron” (featuring the awesome chorus: “This music won’t take you higher unless you’re a moron”) is reminiscent of The Rolling Stones’ country phase. But I still maintain he’s the Second Coming of Neil Diamond.


FINAL VERDICT: Buy this album. It’s awesome. And Collins should take Neil Diamond onto Maury to see if he is the father.