The Proclaimers

WHAT YOU KNOW THEM FOR: Great cardio.




BUT WHAT ABOUT THE REST OF THE ALBUM?

My band once opened up for The Proclaimers. No lie. Okay, technically, it was a festival, and we were on a different stage, and the Proclaimers weren’t even the headliners, Cracker was. So it’d be more accurate to say that we shared the bill with The Proclaimers, but it’s more fun to say we opened up for them.

Youngsters today might have been introduced to “I’m Gonna Be (500 Miles)” through a great running gag on How I Met Your Mother. Hipsters of the 80s might have been introduced to it from the Proclaimers performing it on David Letterman’s show in 1989. But most people from my generation were introduced to it through the 1993 film Benny & Joon. Of course, no one remembers the film itself these days, but everyone still loves these Scottish lads and their marathon endurance.

Confession: I actually owned this on cassette. I found it at a yard sale for a quarter. But I never got past listening to “500 Miles,” which is the first track. I just kept rewinding back to the beginning and rocking out again. Even listening to it now, I’m tempted to just put the song on repeat (convenience of technology, alright!). It’s that good and completely worthy of its ubiquitousness. But I will soldier on and give this album its fair shake.

“Cap In Hand” provides us more catchy Scottish folk but can’t live up to its preceding track. “Then I Met You,” though, almost rivals “500 Miles” and should’ve been a hit in its own right. But oh no! We’ve moved into a slow ballad, “My Old Friends The Blues,” which has killed all momentum this album was building. It might not be so bad a song if it appeared closer to the end of the album. I hope things pick up.

At first, “Sean” threatened to dredge, but then picks up energy and shows these guys are capable of doing a good slow ballad. A lesson not followed through on with “Sunshine On Leith.” What the fuck, guys? Enough with the ballads. Go balls out again.

Side two starts off more promising. Random thought: It’s impossible to hear a Scottish accent and not think of Mike Myers. “I’m On My Way” features more traveling for love. Was this released as a single? According to Wikipedia, it was. Naturally. They wanted to capitalize on the success of “500 Miles” with a song that hit similar lyrical themes. Except it was released 5 years before “500 Miles” finally became a hit. But it was used on the Shrek soundtrack, so maybe they were hoping to replicate the belated success.

Back to ballads. Ugh. Definitely not their strong point. Man, this album had such a promising start, but now, it just drags.


FINAL VERDICT: This album is the equivalent of walking 500 miles (and walking 500 more). At first, you’re optimistic about being able to complete it, but aside from a brief second wind, you spend most of the time wondering how exactly do people find Chuck Taylors comfortable.

Scatman

WHAT YOU KNOW HIM FOR: Fecal fetish.




BUT WHAT ABOUT THE REST OF THE ALBUM?

Okay, yes, this blog entry exists solely for a poop joke. Technically, Scatman John had another hit, but I bet you can’t name it without the aid of Google. So as far as I’m considered, he qualifies.

Scatman’s World is apparently a concept album about a magical place called Scatland. Which makes me wonder why it isn’t called Scatland instead? Is Scatland a country on Scatman’s World? Is this planet near Spice World?

One thing is for certain, though. This is a world dictated by two things: overwhelming positivity and scat singing. No, really. Every song follows the same formula. Verses reminiscent of those motivational speakers your school would herd into the auditorium for, followed by choruses of scat lyrics that are less embarrassing. All over generic early 90s dance beats.

Lately, I feel my blog entries have been getting too long, but this one will probably stay short. Six tracks in, and I don’t foresee any deviations that will be worth commenting on.

…

And I was right.


FINAL VERDICT: As far as dystopian futures go, Scatland isn’t the most dystopian. But I still prefer Spice World. Ginger Spice is hot.

DISHWALLA

WHAT YOU KNOW THEM FOR: Blasphemy.



Also, inspiring homophobia.




BUT WHAT ABOUT THE REST OF THE ALBUM?

Back in the 90s, suggesting that God was a female was some heavy stuff. Christians were outraged and demanded a boycott of Dishwalla, and some of them even stood outside Dishwalla concerts with torches and pitchforks. Okay, none of that happened, but those couple of lines seemed to get more attention than the music. But in all fairness, the music was that type of bland pretty boy pop that got swept under the “alternative” label because they had guitars.

And boy, were they pretty. Almost Duran Duran pretty. In fact, I think Anal Cunt might be onto something. I feel myself going gay for Dishwalla (although it’s been proven to be a scientific impossibility that anyone could go gay for Everclear).

Rewatching the video, I think the drummer now works at the American Eagle at the Boulevard Mall. I should ask him the next time I’m at the mall. “Excuse me, weren’t you the drummer from Dishwalla?” Actually, I might just start asking that of random people at the mall.

Honestly, this music is so non-descript, I’m not sure if I like it or not. So far, I don’t love it, I doubt I’ll ever listen to this album again. But I also don’t hate it yet, I’m definitely not running to turn it off. I’m not even all that bored. It’s just kind of there.

By the time we reach the hit three tracks in, I sense a pattern. Laid back grooves with near-catatonic vocals save for shorts bursts of actual energy towards the end of the song. There doesn’t seem to be much effort in attempting to craft something memorable. Really, I think the only reason I even remember “Counting Blue Cars” is because it used to get played every hour, on the hour.

Of course, I write that, then the next track “Explode” actually attempts to rock (and mostly succeeds). I remember that at the time, I thought Dishwalla’s follow-up single “Charlie Brown’s Parents” was better than “Counting Blue Cars,” and that still remains the case.

And then we’re back to the not rocking wah-wah guitars. I don’t know if I’ve ever heard a band abuse the wah-wah pedal as much as these guys. Then back to rocking then back to not then back again. Are these guys a good band or not? They somehow simultaneously rock and suck. Which I guess makes their music sort of complicated, except it’s really just kind of simple. Man, I am so existentially freaking out right now.


FUN/NOT FUN FACT: “Miss Emma Peel” is about one of the main characters of the old British TV show The Avengers. Dishwalla was actually featured on the soundtrack to the movie adaptation, but not with that song. I never saw the movie, despite the promise of Uma Thurman in a skin-tight leather catsuit. But I had the issue of Playboy that featured paparazzi photos of Uma on a topless beach. This issue greatly angered Nicholas Cage, who wrote a very stern letter to the magazine.


FINAL VERDICT: Don’t worry about what those bullies in Anal Cunt think. Listening to Dishwalla will not make you gay. It will, however, enter you into a state of limbo where things neither are nor aren’t.

THE REMBRANDTS

WHAT YOU KNOW THEM FOR: Letting you know that you’re in for 23 minutes of wacky hi-jinks.



BUT WHAT ABOUT THE REST OF THE ALBUM?

TV theme songs are a dying art. Some think it’s due to networks selling more ad space, causing the average length of shows to shorten. But the truth is more sinister. There is a TV theme curse. Think about it. How many artists who composed a TV theme have gone on to have a meaningful career?

The curse is so strong that it killed Chuck "Walker:Texas Ranger" Norris’ career until an Internet meme revived it. Waylon Jennings (Dukes Of Hazzard) avoided the curse by way of being Waylon Jennings. The Waitresses (Square Pegs) would’ve avoided the curse if not for collapsing under the weight of their own awesomeness. And sadly, drugs killed the Banana Splits before they could go on to become the next Beatles.

But for most, their fate is that of the Rembrandts, a fate that is worse than that of a regular one-hit wonder: spending their career known only for a 30 second jingle. Seriously, no one knows the rest of the words to the Friends theme song.

Confession. I’ve always hated Friends. But I loved How I Met Your Mother. Odd, considering that HIMYM was just Friends for the millennial generation. But hey, HIMYM had Neil fucking Patrick fucking Harris. Plus alumni from Buffy and Freaks And Geeks. What did Friends have? A monkey. And he got fired after the first season for being more charismatic than David Schwimmer.

But I promise I won’t let my hatred of Friends taint my review of The Rembrandts’ LP. I’m sure once I listen to it, I’ll find more solid reasons to hate it. Like the fact that the title isn’t nearly as clever as they think it is, for starters.

The first track is called “End Of The Beginning” and the opening chords already have me wishing it was the beginning of the end. Did people back in the 90s actually like this type of music? I mean, I was alive in the 90s and remember crap like this clogging up the VH1 airwaves, but I don’t think I ever met anyone who actually liked it. Who the hell owned Hootie & The Blowfish’s Cracked Rearview? Someone had to, right? Was it all part of some evil Communist plot? Fucking Ruskies.

Imagine if Dave Pirner was jamming with Third Eye Blind, covering all the Beatles and R.E.M. songs you hate. That would probably be more entertaining. This sounds like what your parents probably listen to. Although, I’m a parent now. Does that mean one day, he’ll say Cursive and Rise Against sound like the crap parents listen to? Well, he and his friends best keep off my lawn.

There’s a song called “Easy To Forget.” Allow me to pay The Rembrandts a compliment. They’re writing my punchlines for me. “My Own Way” sort of cribs the intro to “18 & Life,” and no one’s ever earned street cred by trying to sound like Skid Row. Maybe I’m being too harsh on The Rembrandts, but three tracks in (wait, I’m only three tracks in?! I feel like I’ve been stuck listening to this for hours. And there’s still 12 more songs to go!), and they haven’t done anything Fountains of Wayne didn’t do a billion times better.

I’m going to sleep now. Wake me up if anything interesting happens.

FINAL VERDICT: I really, really hate Friends. I understand that’s not The Rembrandts’ fault, but if you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the problem.

Dexys Midnight Riders

WHAT YOU KNOW THEM FOR: Ejaculating on Eileen.



What? I thought “toora loora toora too rye ay” was the 80s version of “skeet skeet skeet skeet skeet.”


BUT WHAT ABOUT THE REST OF THE ALBUM?

You generally can tell that a one hit wonder’s one hit truly came out of left field when the song is found on side two of the album. In the case of Dexys Midnight Runners (it really bugs me that there’s no apostrophe in their name), “Come On Eileen” closes Too-Rye-Ay, almost as an afterthought. Although the title of the album is taken from the chorus. Maybe they came up with the title, thought it sounded really cool and quickly wrote a song to justify its use.

The album quickly hooks me in with its odd mix of Celtic folk instrumentation, soul vocals and ska horns. If I close my eyes during “Let’s Make This Precious,” I can imagine that it’s really Madness. Mostly because I’m not that familiar with Madness outside of a couple of songs. But it’s got a clap-a-pella (just handclaps and vocals, I don’t know if there really is a technical term for that) bridge, and I really enjoy those.

They cover Van Morrison’s “Jackie Wilson Said.” It’s fun and boisterous and ridiculously catchy. I’ve never heard the original. Hold on, I’m going to take a break from this album and listen to Van Morrison so I can properly compare the two.

Okay, the Runners hew closely to the original arrangement with no variations, but hey, I won’t complain. It’s an awesome song. Too bad it’s followed up by the insipid ballad “Old.” I don’t know why, but I feel like singer Kevin Rowland sounds like Hot Hot Heat trying to do soul remakes of Cure songs. Is this a good or bad thing? Is it even an accurate thing?

“Plan B” is a slightly less insipid ballad. Come on, Dexys (maybe it’s plural, as in more than one Dexy, but in that case, shouldn’t it be Dexies?). You started so strong.

Okay, I spoke too soon (a problem caused by writing these blogs stream-of-consciously as I listen to the album without taking time for proper reflection). The song’s balls drop, it starts rocking, and I’m hooked again. Did you know Dexy is a form of speed? The music’s addictive nature makes the name a good choice.

FINAL VERDICT: The band doesn’t stray too far from the sound of “Come On Eileen,” so if you like that song, you’ll like the rest of the album. And we already know you love “Come On Eileen.” So why aren’t you loving Too-Rye-Ay already?

Joe Public

WHAT YOU KNOW THEM FOR: Being Kriss Kross’ backup band.



Also, lessons in positive encouragement.




BUT WHAT ABOUT THE REST OF THE ALBUM?

One of the guys in Joe Public went to my high school. Not at the same time as me. But one of my teachers told me that. He wasn’t sure which guy, but he was pretty sure the guy’s name wasn’t Joe. This tale may have been apocryphal, but it is not my job to question my teacher’s memories. My job is to question whether or not Joe Public should be on your CD shelf. If anyone other than me still has one, that is. Another reason I hate the digital revolution. Scrolling through someone’s mp3 playlist in order to silently judge them isn’t as fun.

I’m not sure why new jack swing is all but dead as a music genre these days. Maybe Bobby Brown’s crack smoking destroyed America more than we ever realized. Or maybe people don’t need music to get laid anymore. Seriously, where are the sexy songs? The kind that get people in the mood. Sure, listening to Adele may lead to sex, but your woman will be crying the whole time. Or man. Or you. Hey, I’m not judgmental, I’m just relaying scientific facts. Someone will be crying if you try to bone while listening to Adele.

I couldn’t find a proper copy of Joe Public’s self-titled debut online, but Spotify has a compilation that collects material from both of their albums. Good enough to groove.

Opening with “Live and Learn,” this quickly lays down what new jack swing is all about. Sultry R&B grooves with hip hop beats, alternating between sly crooning and positive rapping. Track 2 is listed as “Do You Everynite,” but in the chorus, they keep singing “I’ve Been Watching,” which is the title of track 4. Track 3 is listed as “Easy Come, Easy Go,” but in the chorus, they keep singing “I Miss You,” which is the title of track 6. In the chorus of track 4, they sing “I’ve Got A Thang For You,” which is the title of a song not on this compilation. Okay, off to Wikipedia I go.

Apparently, this actually is Joe Public’s self-titled album. Spotify just mislabeled it with the tracklisting from a compilation that sort of exists. It’s kind of like those bootleg cassettes you buy from the Korean grocery store where the song listing is out of order and the artwork is backwards. Wait, did I accidentally download the Korean version of Spotify?

“This One’s For You” gives shout-outs to Jasmine Guy, MC Lyte, the Fly Girls, and Downtown Julie Brown, among others. It doesn’t get more 90s than that. And the Joe Public guys are classy enough to apologize to anyone they forgot to mention. Drake wouldn’t have the class to do that, and you’d think he learned something about class from his time on Degrassi.

Sure, nothing here rivals Bobby Brown’s oeuvre, but really can anyone rival his brand of perfection? Still, there’s grooves here to last for hours, well, technically 45 minutes, but that’s what the repeat button is for, dammit! “Do You Everynite” is basically Color Me Badd’s “I Wanna Sex You Up.” If Color Me Badd were good, that is. Oh, snap. I went there, Team CMB fangirls.


FINAL VERDICT: Former Erie County Executive Dennis Gorski pronounced April 13, 1996 to be Goo Goo Dolls Day. Yet we never received a Joe Public Day. Asshole. That’s why I never voted for you. Well, that and the fact that you stopped running for office by the time I was legal voting age.

After The Fire

WHAT YOU KNOW THEM FOR: Not being as cool as Falco.



Though, in fairness, no one is as cool as Falco.




BUT WHAT ABOUT THE REST OF THE ALBUM?

It was suggested to me that I do Falco for this blog. But I couldn’t in good conscience do so, because in addition to “Rock Me Amadeus,” he gave us “Der Kommissar.” But then I remembered that “Der Kommissar” had been covered by After The Fire. I really only knew this even existed because as a teen, there was a commercial for a best of the 80s Time Life collection. You remember those commercials? They had a scrolling list of songs included, with the current one playing highlighted in yellow. After The Earth was one of the highlighted ones, putting them in good company with Men At Work and Toto.

It’s a shame that the 21st century killed off CDs. I was really hoping for a best of the 90s Time Life collection, featuring hits by Candlebox and Positive K. Now, here’s Everclear singer Art Alexakis to tell us more about how you can order.

ATF’s version of “Der Kommissar” actually charted higher than Falco’s. Interestingly enough, ATF was a one-hit wonder in the UK but with a different song. Do they count as a one-hit wonder then? For the purpose of this blog, they do.

*NOTE: This is a compilation, as “Der Kommissar” never appeared on any of their proper albums, and I feel that reviewing just the single kind of defeats the purpose of this blog.

Holy 1980s, Batman! Right from the beginning, my senses are being assaulted by new wave synthpop blandness. I could probably forgive the laser effects and robot voice in “Laser Love” if the song had a strong melody or strong riff or strong laser effects or strong robot voice. If some Congressman had attempted to pass a bill outlawing synthesizers, “One Rule For You” and “Sometimes” provide plenty of compelling evidence to support the bill.

Interesting Wikipedia fact: ATF was supposed to perform on Top of the Pops, but the show’s producers didn’t want more than one synth-heavy act that week, so they went with Gary Numan instead. Good call.

Their cover of “Der Kommisar” benefits from being preceded by nine tracks of crap. Also, by being written by someone more talented. If I can say anything positive about this album, it’s that the music is more forgettable than painful. It’ll be scrubbed from my memory by the time I post this blog.


FINAL VERDICT: Falco is still the man.