BUT WHAT ABOUT THE REST OF THE ALBUM?
TV theme songs are a dying art. Some think it’s due to networks selling more ad space, causing the average length of shows to shorten. But the truth is more sinister. There is a TV theme curse. Think about it. How many artists who composed a TV theme have gone on to have a meaningful career?
The curse is so strong that it killed Chuck "Walker:Texas Ranger" Norris’ career until an Internet meme revived it. Waylon Jennings (Dukes Of Hazzard) avoided the curse by way of being Waylon Jennings. The Waitresses (Square Pegs) would’ve avoided the curse if not for collapsing under the weight of their own awesomeness. And sadly, drugs killed the Banana Splits before they could go on to become the next Beatles.
But for most, their fate is that of the Rembrandts, a fate that is worse than that of a regular one-hit wonder: spending their career known only for a 30 second jingle. Seriously, no one knows the rest of the words to the Friends theme song.
Confession. I’ve always hated Friends. But I loved How I Met Your Mother. Odd, considering that HIMYM was just Friends for the millennial generation. But hey, HIMYM had Neil fucking Patrick fucking Harris. Plus alumni from Buffy and Freaks And Geeks. What did Friends have? A monkey. And he got fired after the first season for being more charismatic than David Schwimmer.
But I promise I won’t let my hatred of Friends taint my review of The Rembrandts’ LP. I’m sure once I listen to it, I’ll find more solid reasons to hate it. Like the fact that the title isn’t nearly as clever as they think it is, for starters.
The first track is called “End Of The Beginning” and the opening chords already have me wishing it was the beginning of the end. Did people back in the 90s actually like this type of music? I mean, I was alive in the 90s and remember crap like this clogging up the VH1 airwaves, but I don’t think I ever met anyone who actually liked it. Who the hell owned Hootie & The Blowfish’s Cracked Rearview? Someone had to, right? Was it all part of some evil Communist plot? Fucking Ruskies.
Imagine if Dave Pirner was jamming with Third Eye Blind, covering all the Beatles and R.E.M. songs you hate. That would probably be more entertaining. This sounds like what your parents probably listen to. Although, I’m a parent now. Does that mean one day, he’ll say Cursive and Rise Against sound like the crap parents listen to? Well, he and his friends best keep off my lawn.
There’s a song called “Easy To Forget.” Allow me to pay The Rembrandts a compliment. They’re writing my punchlines for me. “My Own Way” sort of cribs the intro to “18 & Life,” and no one’s ever earned street cred by trying to sound like Skid Row. Maybe I’m being too harsh on The Rembrandts, but three tracks in (wait, I’m only three tracks in?! I feel like I’ve been stuck listening to this for hours. And there’s still 12 more songs to go!), and they haven’t done anything Fountains of Wayne didn’t do a billion times better.
I’m going to sleep now. Wake me up if anything interesting happens.
FINAL VERDICT: I really, really hate Friends. I understand that’s not The Rembrandts’ fault, but if you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the problem.
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